My Opinion on Citizens United
Posted by Andrew | Filed under Politics
Recently, the Supreme Court of the United States, this somewhat helpless but wonderful country I happen to reside in decided that corporations had the same rights as a citizen of the country in regards to free speech. Particularly with regards to donating money to political campaigns. The High Court has handed down their opinion on the matter, and now here is mine:
If corporations now have the same rights as regular individual citizens, then I like some extra rights as well. You see, a few days ago, my wireless mouse that I use with my laptop at home broke and now continues to click continuously despite whether or not I am actually pressing the button. Therefore, I would classify it as a troubled asset and I request that the government give me $1 million of TARP funds for it. Hey, I’m going bankrupt every day that I wake up and decide that I am hungry, the least this government could do is buy one lousy million dollar broken mouse to help me through this economic crisis.
Another way I would like to survive the economic crisis is to sell shares of myself on the New York Stock Exchange. I was thinking a modest $50 million IPO just to help fund some upcoming projects I have in mind like dumping toxic waste in the west desert of my home state of Utah or purchase the naming rights to an arena to be used by a WNBA franchise.
You see, I really don’t understand what Chief Justice Roberts and Justices Scalia, Kennedy, Thomas, and Alito (do you see a pattern here?) are thinking in their decision to pass this decision down. That’s right folks, politics is going to become more like NASCAR! I can just see Sarah Palin wearing a racing jump suit that says Palin/Beck 2012 on the front and DuPont and Kellogg’s on the back (because you know she would). And get this, apparently Obama’s re-election campaign is brought to you by JP Morgan Chase and AIG, what a surprise!
This is going to be a disaster. We already are fully aware that corporations fund campaigns as much as they want through certain means such as political donations from their major shareholders. The Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act created by one of the most non-conservative conservatives in the Senate, John McCain from Arizona, and one of the most liberal, Russ Feingold from Wisconsin, came together to cosponsor it. The bill’s main purpose was to stop soft money from freely flowing into campaigns. It also requires the candidates to stand by their advertising.
I’m Andrew Davis, and I approve this blog post.
